Letting Go of Marci By Embracing Her

Bryce Honstead 
MDI Contributor

March 19, 2009 was the worst day of my life.

My sister Marci died this day.

And it was then I knew that life would never be the same.

In an instant, in a moment, when it happened, I immediately felt completely lost.

Scared.

Alone.

My initial feelings were actually disbelief and anger.

I kept thinking that this was only a bad dream from which I would surely awake. Time convinced me that in fact my sister was gone … and it would be forever.

As soon as the finality of it all registered, I began to experience the most pain and sorrow I have ever felt.

It’s not fair!

She didn’t deserve to die!

She was so good!

She cared about and loved everyone!

It should have been me!

It’s not fair.

With her passing, I hate the fact that she misses out on everything that happens in the lives of her nieces and nephews.

I hate that I can’t hug her or talk with her or laugh with her … ever again.

During the first year of her passing I would break down and cry almost daily, when driving in my truck, when grocery shopping, whenever. Everything made me think of her.

I became distant and closed off from people who cared about me. I rejected input. Maybe I wanted to torture myself by not healing this huge wound.

I felt guilty about every time in the past when I was mean to her. Memories of our childhood together were filled with times I was unkind.

After a few years of this behavior, I began to wake up to what I was doing to the people who loved me in my present life.

I found a different way to deal with my pain. I decided to honor her legacy by giving my best as a father, husband, brother, neighbor, boss and son.

I decided that I could talk with her, and that she could hear me. I decided that everything amazing and beautiful I saw, was her putting those things in front of me.

I feel her now, all the time!

It still hurts so much every day … but I now know I am not alone.

Marci is with me.