Fred Rai Guest Contributor
I love my mum, but it hasn’t been an easy road with her. It has taken years of forgiveness work to get where I am today.
Forgiveness is a definitely a touchy topic.
For me the hardest person to forgive so far has been my mother, who is schizophrenic and has been since I was a little boy.
Due to her illness and her personality, she caused tremendous harm, psychologically and physically. For years, including the formative years, I was told I was worthless and wouldn’t amount to anything.
As a child I got accustomed to her punishments, and it wasn’t until I became an adult experiencing adult relationships with women, did I realize I was a damaged man.
What I had wanted, and still do, was to be in harmony with my mother, complete with love, forgiveness, laughter and smiles.
Over the years I have sought out counseling and healers. The most helpful support has been my homeopath, who is always caring towards me. She speaks kindness to me over and over again, until small fragments of care stick into my psyche.
I find forgiveness difficult with my mother because she does not remember much of the abuse she unleashed upon me. And now that she ages into her golden years, I feel robbed of a healing place with her.
I am mindful of her age and have studied the illness from which she suffers.
I use empathy and love as a method of forgiveness, and I also hug her a lot and at times out of the blue.
I say “I love you mum” and inside my mind, I am saying “I forgive you.”
She wouldn’t understand why I would say “I forgive you,” as she is in denial or has blocked out what she did in the past. Therefore, it’s on for me to forgive her as she deserves forgiveness.
I have had to learn to forgive her without her actually saying “I am sorry.” This is how it is.
The forgiveness is not as easy as I thought it would be, but I know it is worthy of attempts, as life is short, and i am worthy of healing as much as she is worthy of forgiveness.
I forgive myself for not being able to care for my inner child throughout the years. I often do journey work where I speak to the little boy within me and I remind him that I, the man, loves him and will take care of him. I also tell him that I am sorry he had to face hardships at the hands of adults.
I also often look within, and tell my little boy, “I LOVE YOU!”
I have learned in the process. Perhaps that’s the whole point.
I’ve learned that I am worthy of love, and I am a good man who is capable of a happy, fulfilling life.
And with the challenge provided in childhood and beyond, I have had to truly realize that at the deepest part of my being.
I love you mum.