Choose Your Own Resolution

Bill Hanstock
Guest Contributor

It’s that time of year again: when you set up a new calendar for a new year and once again come to terms with the inexorable march of time, which will continue onward until your death and then, somehow, beyond your departure from this mortal coil, although it will be less of a concern to you at that point.

Anyway, one thing that many people like to do at the beginning of a new year is to set a “resolution” for themselves, which is really just a goal for the year. Yes, I’m introducing the concept of a New Year’s Resolution as if it’s not common knowledge. Deal with it.

My kid had a tough time last week trying to come to terms with the end of Christmas and the start of a new year and it’s like, join the club, kid. No one wants time to advance less than me, but there’s nothing to be done about it. Unless that Ted Williams/Walt Disney frozen head thing pans out, I guess. But until we know more about cryogenics, let’s just focus on the here and now.

And the here and now is new year’s resolutions. Maybe you’ve made one already. Maybe you’re already hard at work on yours. Maybe you’re mulling over a few. Maybe you know what it’s going to be but you’re waiting to eat through the simply absurd amount of Christmas candies and desserts left over in your house before you can really kick it off.

But maybe you still need help landing on a resolution. And if that’s the case, boy have you come to the right place! I’m offering a handy list of buckets of types of resolution that might be good to dip into — nothing too specific, but plenty of leeway here that I think anyone could adapt one of these categories to suit their own needs.

Join me, won’t you, on an exploration of resolutions and how you can make them work for you.

Weight Loss

Probably the most common one! Maybe it’s not “lose weight” so much as it’s “get swole,” or “be able to run a mile without stopping” or, if you’re Drake, “get a BBL.” Maybe it’s conning your doctor/insurance into getting you that Ozempic prescription. Whatever the case may be, this category is about health and body-ody-ody. Feeling fit or feeling better about how you look. No shame in any of that, because being happy about your comfort with your own body is an important thing! But you do what makes you comfortable and happy. That’s the key here.

Mental health year

Speaking of being comfortable and happy, maybe you want to take the time to be more comfortable and more happy! Start therapy, get into meditation, try out antidepressants, journal, whatever you need to do. Make your life better by understanding your emotions and your mind, and get help and support however you can. You’re worth it.

Stop a Bad Habit

Need to quit smoking? Need to quit eating meat? Need to quit smoking meats? Need to stay off the weeeeeeeeduh? Need to quit biting your nails, sniffing glue, embezzling public funds, buying baseball cards, or autoerotic asphyxiation? I’m not here to tell you what are and what aren’t bad habits; that’s up to each person. But if you think you have a bad habit and want to stop, I guess go for it! No, I don’t know how to stop any particular bad habit. That part is your job.

Start a good habit

See above, but the opposite.

Save money

Puttin’ aside a little nest egg, huh? Tryin’ to cut down on buyin’ faberge eggs, huh? Good for you. There’s probably some money in the budget you can trim somewhere. Maybe only buy a dozen donut holes instead of a dozen donuts. Pare down slowly, so that you can learn to save gradually. Buy a turnover chain secondhand instead of splurging on a custom one. I’ll have you know that almost every college has a “U” in it!

Get really into crypto

DO NOT DO THIS ONE.

Career goal!

Getting that dream job? Angling for that promotion? Trying to get a mentor? Trying to develop a new career track? Lean in, homie. Reach for the stars, start kissing up to the boss and for the love of god, wear pants during the Zoom meeting.

Creative goal!

Always wanted to write a novel? I did that last year, so I bet anyone can do it. Want to learn how to play guitar? It’s never been easier or cheaper, and that goes for literally any instrument. Want to learn to paint, sew, knit, macrame, or paint Warhammer miniatures? You’re just a couple of YouTube searches and a couple hundred hours away from being able to any or all of those things adequately. Maybe don’t start a YouTube channel about eating old army rations, though. That’s already been done.

Relationship/life goal!

Maybe you want your relationship status to change in some way. That could mean trying to get into a relationship, or out of one, or finding ways to make your relationships better/stronger/healthier, or trying to figure out how to make a kid. (I think that last one has something to do with pollen. Or maybe spores.) It doesn’t even have to be romantic relationships, either. Maybe you want to make your friendships stronger, or more communicative. All of these are admirable things. I can’t tell you anything about how to get into a relationship, though. I hear there are a lot of apps for that. Quickbooks, maybe? [NOTE TO SELF: GOOGLE WHAT QUICKBOOKS IS]

Travel more

This is a fun one to set for yourself. If you can’t afford to travel more this year, there’s a new season of The White Lotus coming out, and that probably almost counts. Also, Paddington will be going to Peru, and that’s fun.

Travel less?

Stay home, man. COVID is still here.

Start a bad habit (wild card)

You know what? We’re about to get a second, even more fucked-up Trump presidency. Just really let yourself go. This is a judgment-free zone.

Gap year

And since there’s gonna be a new Trump administration, just go ahead and check out for a while. No shame in punting on 2025. We’ll try again in 2026.

Semester abroad

See above.

Recreational thing

This could be a hobby, or learning a new skill, or a creative endeavor like we already covered. It could also be about a way to spend your free time or about the media your consume, the places you go, the restaurants or locales you frequent. As an example, every other year I try to watch 365 different movies over the course of the year. Not ones that are all new to me, just a movie for each day in the year. NOTE: I work from home, so I know this isn’t possible for everyone.

Charitable endeavors

Donate your money or your time. Support your local community, get active. Take to the streets, and prop up your fellow humans. Good for you if you pick this resolution. You can also lie about it if someone asks.

Get on Shark Tank

Everyone has one idea that could make them rich, or at least is an idea dumb enough to get you on television for a bunch of billionaires to mock you. Either way, it’ll be a story you can tell people. Go invent another sponge or an app that tells you where to find pettable dogs. Or … other good ideas.

Strike it rich

This is probably the best resolution. If you figure this one out, let me know.

Fuck it, run it back

2024 could probably use a do-over from everyone. Figure out what went wrong last year and make some tweaks so it doesn’t happen again. Or maybe your 2024 was extremely great, in which case, just do it again! Seems simple enough.

And that’ll wrap up this edition of the newsletter. We’ll see you back here at the end of the week, when I’m sure you’ll already be hard at work on your resolution you picked from the buckets above. Best of luck with your chosen resolution, and/or I support your decision to not have a resolution, because who needs all that pressure?