David Plante Columnist
Disclaimer: This article is written by men for men. It is intended for men to read and understand in men’s language. It is a guide for men to navigate successfully in today’s society. This is Part 1 of a 2-part series.
Welcome to 2017. Thousands of years of evolution has brought us to where we are today. After all, if you are male and reading this, you are a product of a successful gene pool of winners. Remember, those who were not strong enough were killed off hundreds of years ago, and what is left is you and me.
Men have always practiced what is today called “Sexual Misconduct” since the beginning of time. You can read about it throughout history, all the way back to the Bible and even further. Good or bad, it is built into our human psyche. In Quest for Fire, I remember the young lad running from the cave, fucking the lady by the lake, and running back into the cave.
Why do men do these things that are offensive to women? In most cases, it’s about power. Men who are doing these things are acting on impulses (desires), not compulsions (urges against one’s wishes).
Those impulses are mostly ego-related. They are acting out a fantasy that’s based on needs for attention and control.
When they are in a position of power and influence over other people, then in their mind the fantasy starts to take form and it could happen. There is nothing more important to a man than power and control. We live for it, we fight for it. Power gives us a sense of meaning.
But society blames men who act this way as holding sexist attitudes about women. They are not sexist – in their origin, at least. We do objectify women, that is true, but it isn’t about sex per se, it’s all about power. We men need to have a sense that the world (or at least our part of the world) is under control. When we lived in the cave or on the shores of a lake, we needed to make that a safe place for our families – our women and children. Our DNA is imprinted with that survival instinct. What we cannot control will kill us – and we are the survivors, remember?
Women are attracted to men who are successful and powerful. Most are looking for a mate that will “take care of her.” They are the ones who are saddled with pregnancy and childbirth – which are the most vulnerable times in their lives. They need someone whose seed will be strong enough to survive and who himself is strong enough to protect her during those vulnerable times. They are as hard-wired for that survival as we are for ours.
Women are picky and choosy. You can’t argue it. Clean yourself up, put on some fashionable clothes, and go to a high class bar, and see how many women you can attract. Then go home, don’t shower or shave for a week, put on your worst duds, and go back to the same place, and see what happens. Women have always been extremely smart and very selective – it’s in their genes and they know how to get what they need.
One of the ways they know how to do that is to flirt. And flirting takes on many forms. From how they dress, to how they look or act around you, to how they compliment and support you, their ways are effective and seductive. The trap men fall into is that they take those flirting gifts, and try to turn them into opportunities. We see their flirting as an invitation to something more than just a conversation. They cannot help doing that anymore than we can help the desire to conquer and master it. That is how biology and genetics has wired us for survival. The problem is we are no longer fighting for our very lives. All of that genetic programming is kind of squandered on us who no longer live short lives, in the jungle or on the lake shore. But in our minds the old fantasy starts to take form, and we believe she really needs us, and we act on it.
That’s just the power part of the programming. The sexuality part of this dilemma is even more troubling. We are designed as sperm donors, and our hormones are designed to be ready at a moment’s notice (at least when we are younger). Women are designed to be the control device in the reproductive dance. We already said she has learned to be selective, and that goes double here. Women do not need men (remember that scene in the new Wonder Woman where Dianna says she knows all about procreation, but when it comes to pleasure men are more or less unnecessary – yeah that). So like in Paradise by the Dashboard Light, she can wait all night. Testosterone creates urgency and fuels our power as well. Do the math – it’s a set up.
If you don’t know this already, I can tell you that “women bond by telling secrets.” Men bond by “keeping secrets.” It is not “IF” but “WHEN” she will share the secret. If you did something a woman deemed inappropriate, it is only a matter of time before she will share it with another woman, who will share it with another woman, and so on. So, when the Neanderthal in your mind thinks you are in survival mode and you start to believe and act on it, just remember that someday, many other people will know about your actions.
Here is another point to note. Men measure themselves by how successful they are. Women measure themselves based on their status. The woman with the highest status is the one who gets the most attention. If you have said or done something to a woman, you can be guaranteed that they will use it someday to raise their status. Just look at the hundreds of women whose status has been raised by current events surrounding sexual harrassment. Do you actually think they would have kept that a secret to their grave? It is only a matter of timing.
Man’s instinct to have power and control has not changed since the beginning of time. Their testosterone-driven need to conquer and control has not changed. But society has changed, and we need to adapt. We need to recognize that we are no longer in survival mode.
I would love to talk about this for pages and pages, but it is time for some survival tips.
- Understand that there are no secrets with women.
- Have the fantasy, just keep it in your head, or share it with your men. Don’t act on it. The mature thing is to own your own shit.
- Use restraint. Realize that anything you do could be construed as harassment or sexist UNLESS you are both clear about the intentions beforehand (not negotiated in the heat of the moment).
- It is not “IF” she will say anything, but “WHEN” she will share it with others.
- Respect women as a fellow citizen of humanity. Not a lesser, weaker opponent nor objects to be collected or trophies for your mantle.
- Want to show how powerful you are? Change the world.
- Don’t be successful, and go camp out in a cave all by yourself until you die. Bring your success to the world – it needs you.
When Dave Plante ventures forth from his man cave, he is our resident expert in Men in Relationships. His insightful book is available for purchase at Amazon.
David Plante’s book found HERE.