By Rueben G. Spaut
Many a Mentor Discover Inspire man has heard the line before, from a weekend intensive attended by a large percentage of the population:
“Be the man you’ve always wanted to be.”
According to sources (not attached to any sense of power), such a proactive, gutsy and ballsy context will now be altered to best fit in with recent trends of county, state and national mandates.
The new line of attack, approved at the most recent Board of Directors meeting, will shift to:
“Be the Man Others Now Demand You To Be…”
… holding onto a …
“…freedom as only a man is allowed to have.”
(Sidenote: as of this publication, there were no plans to alter the purpose statement of the Sterling Men’s Weekend.)
Even with the previous warning of a “feminization” that would weaken the male spirit and do harm to future generations, it was decided that a watering down of the masculine was needed, if just to make other sensitive types feel happier.
Beginning 12:01 a.m., Friday, April 1, 2022, with the past two years of mandates and controlling media forces leading the charge, the new way of being for men will carry the following directives:
- No more listening to one’s gut and seeking the source of one’s power, but be reactive to any outside stimulus – on news, social media or anyone whose feelings you could hurt.
- No more watching insulting and politically incorrect comedians such as Bill Maher, Bill Hicks and George Carlin, the latter two who unabashedly warned us of oncoming censorship and the stifling of free expression.
- Shift into a sense of shame around “toxic masculinity,” taking every opportunity to apologize for being socially unacceptable.
- Ditch the fatherly approach of facing danger head-on with proactive qualities, and instead embrace a motherly nature that would keep us safe and secure, tucked away in our homes.
- “Cowering” to replace “courage” as a mature masculine quality. Germaphobia a plus.
- No longer required: those strict and sturdy masculine qualities found in law and order and black-and-white precision. Now embraced: anything based on the unwieldy emotions. Loosey-goosey a plus.
- Men shall pee sitting down.
According to sources, probably fake, there has been discussion to alter the MDI Mission Statement initial phrase from “Causing Greatness …” to “Crossing Fingers For Greatness …” Though, as of publication, leadership is still thinking about it.
Of the new directives and the altered terminology, MDI member Richard Chaturbate admitted, “This can’t end well.”
In efforts to put men’s concerns at ease, MDI President-in-Training I-Am Kennard made an organization-wide announcement on Bitrix, which no one saw, and then sent a global MDI email, which no one read. In it, he implored: “Don’t worry men. We still have a code of honor and will be an example to children. What kind of example? Only time will tell. Even so, we will NOT be discouraged, even if the terms ‘men’ and ‘man’ are no longer definable in our society.”
Of the global shifts detracting from men and the male role model, the publisher from “The Good Man Project,” announced that the new name of her publication will be “The Good Little Boy Project.”
When reached for comment, Chicken Little exclaimed, “Have you seen the sky lately? I mean, come on.”
And after learning of the changes, the souls of men, found in every mature masculine leader, woke the hell up. And did whatever they believed they had to do.
Knew this was a joke but will everyone? Unless they read the entire article.
Good question. That’s the challenge of an April Fools spoof – you can’t mention it at the top. We are trusting that the date of publication, the goofy banner picture, the fool graphic at the end, and most importantly the absolute absurdity of the concepts clues them in.
Absolutely excellent writing, I was wondering what you would come up with in this day and time when the entire world seems to be falling apart. Keep it coming my friend.