EDITOR’S NOTE: The Legacy Magazine set out to discover what it takes to maintain a successful relationship over the long term. What better way than asking men who have been married up to 40-plus years. Below we have gathered four men associated with Mentor Discover Inspire (MDI) and asked them the same main questions. See if any of their answers would be yours.
1. How would you define a “successful relationship?”
2. Who has guided you in the past, and what did they teach you about relationships?
3. How have the men of MDI helped you in your process?
4. In sharing with our audience of men, what keys have you found for a successful relationship?
40 Years – Bill Oakes With Marcia – San Diego Men’s Division
1. How would you define a “successful relationship?”
A successful relationship is one where we get along most of the time, we are both reasonably happy, we are compatible in living conditions and what we enjoy doing. We each are OK with the other one doing things on their own, and we work together on constructing a future that we want.
2. Who has guided you in the past, and what did they teach you about relationships?
My parents were divorced when I was 23, but I learned a lot about relationships by observing them, and somehow grew up with the idea that a marriage is a long-term commitment that we don’t give up on. I also observed other adults, and got the paradigm that married couples set the standard for how a family is, that kids should have a mom and a dad, and that kids with only one parent were less well-off than I was. As an adult I learned a lot through other development organizations as well as MDI where wisdom about relationships was passed along.
3. How have the men of MDI helped you in your process?
I had a deep sense of commitment before I joined MDI, but being on a team has taught me a lot through talking with the men about operating successfully in a relationship with what is currently going on, and getting their input. I have also learned through the other men on my teams and how their relationships have worked or not worked.
4. In sharing with our audience of men, what keys have you found for a successful relationship?
a) The key for me is to honor my commitment. My marriage has not always been easy, but I remind myself “I signed up.” My wife and I also have two sons, and I feel strongly that my sons needed a father, so this became part of the commitment.
b) I think it’s important to not be together all the time; to have my own life that is separate from my wife. Going to work served that purpose for a long time, but it’s good to be separate sometimes.
c) Living together requires each person to do their part. I do quite a bit, like dishes, some cooking, lots of yard work, etc.
d) I want my wife’s life to be great because I’m in it, so I treat her well mostly. She usually has flowers in the house, and I make sure to have all the dishes done at night so she wakes up to a clean kitchen.
e) Wisdom from MDI says don’t engage, and I usually don’t, but I need to interact and listen and be supportive and aware of what’s going on with her. There have been times where I needed to put my foot down, and men need to be willing to do this, but it’s also important to pick the “honorable battles” to get involved with. I also realize that there are some things that simply won’t change, so there’s not a point in making an issue out of these.
f) Just because we have been together 40 years does not mean I can take this for granted. I know I need to constantly be aware and growing in my ability to support this relationship.
23 years – Dennis Speer With Lonna – Pacific Region, Legacy Tribe
1. How would you define a “successful relationship?
One where only one of you hates the other at a time.
2. Who has guided you in the past, and what did they teach you about relationships?
Men on my team over the years have reminded me that nothing your wife says is permanent and to buy time prior to responding respond to questions with “why do you ask?” or “I need to think about that” and mimic the pose of “The Thinker” statue by Rodin.
3. How have the men of MDI helped you in your process?
Do not engage verbally because you will always lose. Don’t react and don’t take it personally. Bring it to your team.
4. In sharing with our audience of men, what keys have you found for a successful relationship?
- Never try to solve your wife’s problems unless she specifically asks you to.
- Take 15 minutes to listen to your wife every day.
- If needed, listen to her for another 15 minutes.
- No matter how unreasonable and wrong she may be, do not tell her that, but you can try to see if she has different solutions.
- Kiss every time you or she leaves the house.
- Invent different ways to tell her without words that you love her – note with a heart / a single flower on her dashboard / do the chore she hates the most.
- If you fucked up royally, have flowers delivered to her workplace so her coworkers see them coming.
- Learn which one of you needs more alone / private time and make sure they get it.
40 Years – Jon Fleming With Lynn – Alumnus San Diego Men’s Division
1. How would you define a “successful relationship?”
A husband and wife who are committed to caring for and loving the other more each day. To bring out the best in my wife and support her in growing to be her best.
2. Who has guided you in the past, and what did they teach you about relationships?
Jesus Christ, my father, friends, my pastors at church and men in MDI.
3. How have the men of MDI helped you in your process?
They have encouraged me to being a better man and husband for my wife. The reminded me when I was not giving my best to Lynn.
4. In sharing with our audience of men, what keys have you found for a successful relationship?
- Show kindness and appreciation.
- I compliment her as often as possible.
- I realize that as she grows older, her body is changing and I do not expect her to look like she did when she was 25. I give her grace.
- I show patience with her. If there is something that she does that i don’t like, I let her know kindly.
- If there is something about me that bothers her, I make the change and do not do it again.
- I spend quality time with her and listen to what she has to say.
- I make sure that I do the things that I need for myself so that I can give my best to her.
- I allow her to do the things that she needs to do for herself.
- I am the leader in the family and I make the tough decisions that are best for the family.
- I frequently thank her for all that she does for me.
31 Years – Bruce Wechsler With Carol – Continental Region
1. How would you define a “successful relationship?”
Last year my wife and I celebrated our 30th anniversary. I am not sure that I have the answer to what makes a successful relationship, but I consider a relationship a journey, not a destination. What makes the journey positive or successful for me is that it incorporates growth and learning. Learning to listen and learning how to support each other in ways that work for each other. Doing this even when I may not feel like it, getting out of my comfort zone or how I think things should be.
2. Who has guided you in the past, and what did they teach you about relationships? AND 3. How have men of MDI helped you in your process?
I don’t think I had a clue about relationships until after my first marriage. Milt Evans, who introduced me to men’s work, started me thinking about what makes a positive relationship, but it was being on a men’s team and getting suggestions and seeing in other men what might work (or not) that really helped. And having a sounding board and a place to vent. And suggestions of books to read such as The Five Love Languages that helped identify what primarily could communicate with my wife.
4. In sharing with our audience of men, what keys have you found for a successful relationship?
What I am still learning is to listen intently – to the words and the feelings. Never deny her feelings. Be the rock, stand by her. Always let her know that I love her – with a note, a phone call, flowers, words, hugs. Look into her eyes when she is talking or I am talking with her. She really loves little Post-it notes of love placed randomly around the house. We love to hug at times for no reason out of the blue. Let her melt in my arms. And never a tit for tat. Hold the context of love and gratitude even when she is pissed. Do I do these things all the time? Are you kidding? I am still learning.