THE UNOFFICIAL, SOMETIMES HUMOROUS, SOMETIMES QUESTIONABLE LEGAGY MAGAZINE JOKE BOOK EDITION
Let the laughs begin. Well, let the jokes begin. You can determine if there are any laughs out there. This month’s Legacy Magazine takes a poke at some jokes, riddles, gags in the attempt to bring levity and to honor one of men’s main purposes in life: to degrade himself and everyone around him. No, no, no. It’s all in fun. So have some fun and have a laugh.
The joke just may be on you.
Now Read This!
Speaking of Jokes…
Luigi went to get his monthly haircut at his neighborhood barbershop. A conversation ensued with his barber Mario about Luigi’s trip to Italy. Mario asked why are you going to Italy? It’s crowded, it’s hot and dirty.
Mario asked how are you going to get there? Luigi said Aeritalia.
Mario said that’s a terrible airline. They lose luggage; they serve lousy food, and the hostesses are all ugly.
Mario then asked: where are you staying? Luigi responded at the Marriott hotel. Mario said that’s a lousy hotel. It’s old, and dirty, and in a bad location.
Mario asked, “I suppose you’d like to see the Pope?” Luigi said, “I’m not planning on it, but if it happens, that would be great.”
A month later, Luigi returned to get his monthly haircut. Mario immediately asked, “How was your trip to Italy?”
Luigi said the airline was great. The food was fabulous. The hotel was very nice – all renovated and a great location.
Mario asked, “Did you get to see the Pope?” Luigi said, as a matter fact I did. I was stopped by a guard at the Vatican, who escorted me to a small room where people were kneeling and taking communion. Suddenly, the Pope came in the room, came down the row and leaned over and whispered in my ear.
Mario asked, “What did he say?”
He said, “Where did you get that lousy haircut?”
One Liners
- I went to the library to get a medical book to help me diagnose some abdominal pain. But somebody had ripped the appendix out.
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock. Hands down.
- My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. Now I can’t read anything.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace,” she replied. So I bought her nothing…
- My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it. So I bought her a candle.
- What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve
- What’s the best present you can gift? A broken drum. Nobody can beat that.
- Why do cows wear bells ? Because their horns don’t work.
- Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair. I’ve heard nothing since.
- It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 35 – minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering.
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What’s the difference between porcupines and BMWs? Porcupines have their pricks on the outside.
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I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
- Why did the moron stare at the orange juice carton? Because it said concentrate.
- My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
- What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
- Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
- Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
- What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
- Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
- I never knew what happiness was until I got married – and then it was too late.
The Commandments for Seniors…
- You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
- Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
- “On time” is, when you get there.
- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
- It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free… and three sizes smaller.
- Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
- “One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
What do a professional drummer and a midsize pizza have in common?
Neither one can feed a family of four.
In which battle did Napoleon die? His last battle
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page.
River Ravi flows in which state?
Liquid.
What is the main reason for divorce?
Marriage.
What is the main reason for failure?
Exams
What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
What looks like half an apple?
The other half.
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Wet.
How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
No problem, he sleeps at night.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
No time at all, the wall is already built.
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
A man found a way to grow great tomatoes. He would start with a gross (144) of seedlings and care for his plants up to harvest.
Last year he planted all 144 seedlings.
He noticed the weekend weather forecast predicted a frost warning. He knew this would damage or kill his plants so he needed to cover them.
His plan was to purchase a gross of condoms to protect his crop.
He went to the drug store and bought a gross of rubbers and meticulously covered each plant.
To his dismay, the gross had only 143 condoms.
On Monday morning he noticed his 143 were ok, but the one uncovered died.
Furious, he went to the druggist to tell him the gross of condoms were one short.
The druggist responded, “I hope it didn’t ruin your whole weekend.”
How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
Very large hands.
15 Silly Travel Complaints
EDITOR’S NOTE: Courtesy of MDI veteran Michael Burns, here are actual complaints received by “THOMAS COOK VACATIONS” from dissatisfied customers. Something to laugh at.
1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
2. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
5. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
6. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
7. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
8. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
9. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
10. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”
11. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
12. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
13. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
14. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
15. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
Meme me!
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