By A.S. Muncher
In an unprecedented partnership with Apple Incorporated, the not-for-profit Mentor Discover Inspire (MDI) has developed a new digital functionality to be used within MDI’s new phone App.
Similar to the “Find My Phone” App which holds the ability to locate devices – including lost phones – the “Find A Man” functionality will be able to digitally locate those men trying to hide out in their caves. Using an NSA-designed electromagnetic wave decoder, the App will be able to search the globe and match the frequencies of lone wolves.
According to MDI officials, the main benefit of the new App is that men will no longer be able to shirk their basic responsibility of communicating with team leaders or connecting with teammates.
“The days of trying to locate hiding teammates are over,” said MDI Tech Tyrant Ben O. Verbich. “Whereas phones can get lost in car seats, under beds and within couch cushions, men can be a lot trickier to find,” though he does admit in terms of searching for men, the couch cushion could be a first place to look.
Some members may have thought the common standard of “Return a call 24 hours after receiving it” would handle the teams’ need for connection and cohesion.
“Yeah, that didn’t work,” said MDI Director of Operations Dick Raasch. “Men are sneaky and figured they could avoid teammates by simply not checking their voicemails.”
SW Regional Coordinator Will Blokes, who has missed very few meetings over the decades (except when he’s on his pretend trips to Taiwan), takes a “no problem” around this new functionality. As he brought to the last Town Hall Meeting: “This is really cool. I guess I will never feel lost in this world. Plus, this could be a handy way I can automatically clear to miss.”
Even with the popularity with most leadership, including team captains trying to find someone to do a “check-in,” there has been a certain amount of pushback to the new technology.
Citing the need for anonymity – mainly during competitive games of Capture The Flag – a number of men are taking a stand in their desire to be unhelpful to the team spirit, remaining invisible and isolating guardians of the suck hole.
Because of everyone’s inalienable right of sovereignty, the App does allow for men to turn off the tracking device associated with them, a good option during surgeries, Grey Cup and Stanley Cup finals, Valentine’s Dinners, and visits to strip clubs.
Some men believe this isn’t enough and plan to break off with MDI entirely if the App goes live. With a battle cry of “MDI’s Bitrix is the MDI Matrix,” the rogue men are establishing a new tribe called “Leave Me Alone,” with a plan to meet irregularly, carry no standards and enroll no new members. “We may not even create a roster,” said a source unwilling to be identified.
No matter the pushback, MDI will move forward with the rollout … as soon as April Fool’s Day is complete. Said the MDI President, “This is a game changer that will support MDI to be the great organization it is intended to be.” Adding in: “Now, how do I turn this thing off again?”
