My first boss once said to me – “Don’t be late. If I’m late that’s too bad; you can wait.”
Those words rung in my ears. From that day on I looked for the double standard in the leaders around me.
Years later I was told in an annual performance review that I lacked empathy. I was given examples, and I realized I was acting exactly like the Vice President of the department. The double standard. Although I didn’t realize it either time. I was being let down by those who were leading me.
In our lives, we are either being led or leading. We rely on leaders to guide, support, and inspire us. Whether it’s in our place of work, our families, classrooms, sports, community groups or places of worship, leaders are meant to be role models, setting an example of integrity, vision, and responsibility.
But what happens when the very leaders we look up to let us down? We can become better leaders when our leaders fall short.
That’s right. Come with us as we explore some of the “failure” scenarios and where we can rise and be a better leader ourselves.
It’s Not Me; It’s You
Being on the receiving end of criticism from a leader is difficult. We must fight the urge to react with our emotions. Confusion, judgement and bitterness can seep in quickly when we are criticized. Our reaction to the leaders’ criticism could mean the difference between a healthy positive ongoing relationship and one full of distrust and tension. Don’t let that happen. Instead try these steps to deal with the emotions generated from criticism:
Don’t jump to conclusions or start blaming. We need to ask if the criticism is relevant. The leader may not have grasped the difference between coaching and criticism. If there are things you can do better – own them and try to disregard their method of telling you. Focus on “the what.” Does “the what” of the criticism reflect your values and the values of the organization? Are your actions in line with those values? If not, you can make the change.
Differentiate what the message they are sending and what they are saying. Ask yourself what are the larger goals? Can your leaders “input” help build a better team, reach the objectives, help earn more credibility and trust with others, etc.?
Make a choice to ask probing questions when your emotions are level. Feel free to ask the leader, “What did you mean?” “Can you give me some direction?” This kind of calm and constructive action will give you the tools to ramp up your performance and send a very clear message to the leaders you are taking them seriously and are the kind of team member they want.
This will take courage – it won’t be easy. After a few “pushbacks” from you and seeing you not react emotionally, your leaders may get that the best way to drive results and improvements is not the way they’ve been doing it so far.
Give the Man a Break
Part of being a good team member is understanding that we are all just humans. When we have a fight with our spouse, twist an ankle, run over the cat, etc. we may not be at our best. This can lead to:
A lapse in judgement
A short fuse
Making technical mistakes
And more
When leaders have a bad day, they too may not perform at the level we need. When your leader lets you down, we must pause and ask a few questions:
Is this conduct a one-time occurrence or an ongoing pattern of behavior? If it’s a one-time – chalk it up to a bad day and move forward. If it’s an ongoing pattern of behavior look deeper. Sometimes, a leadership failure can reveal deeper issues within an organization or group.
Is the error major or minor? Is the leader blaming you for the error? We all make technical mistakes e.g. forgetting a rule/procedure, bad math, etc. “Correcting” a leader in a room full of people can be a mistake. Keep your emotions in check. Bring up the error to your leader when time is a plenty and emotions are on the down-low. A good leader will see you and “have your back.” If the leader becomes defensive or the behavior continues, it may be time to lean on a mentor, coach or support group.
When a leader shows they are human and make mistakes, your willingness to take a balanced look at the cause and effect can determine if it’s a leadership “slip” or a fail.
This Means You Too
What happens when you fail as a leader? You break a promise, show favoritism, use questionable language, etc.
Own up to your mistake. Letting your friends, family, colleagues know that you made a mistake, why it happened and what you will do in the future.
Decide if the incident is a leadership failure or a personal/ethical failure. Both can be overcome.
Seek support – Lean on your MDI men’s team, read a leadership books, watch a few instructional videos, hire a coach. This is what emotionally intelligent and good leaders do.
When we fail as leaders, it can feel like a breach of trust. The question becomes, can that trust be rebuilt? By acknowledging our mistakes and taking steps to rectify, we’ll show those around us we deserve their trust.
The Last Will Be First And …
Most of us are not taught how to be leaders. Many of us follow the people in authority and take on many of their methods and attitudes not knowing what true leadership is.
Every man has the potential to lead by influencing those around him through his actions, words, and decisions. When your leaders fail you, it’s a chance to take responsibility for your own growth and the growth of those who look up to you.
Matthew “Biz” Biswas has been a member of Midnights Sons since 2018. A resident of Toronto, he is a business owner, father, semiskilled athlete, rock music aficionado, and closet prepper. He can be reached at matthew@biswas.ca or on Facebook or Instagram at @matthewbiswas.
