{"id":27398,"date":"2023-07-28T00:38:31","date_gmt":"2023-07-28T04:38:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/?p=27398"},"modified":"2023-08-01T23:39:53","modified_gmt":"2023-08-02T03:39:53","slug":"without-a-fathers-praise-a-man-never-finds-fulfillment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/without-a-fathers-praise-a-man-never-finds-fulfillment\/","title":{"rendered":"Without A Father\u2019s Praise, A Man Never Finds Fulfillment"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Bryan Reeves
Special Guest Contributor <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Throughout my life I have been plagued by the enduring fear that I\u2019m never quite successful enough, whatever my actual successes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which has been at times a kind of torture for every woman I ever tried to love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For I have tragically sacrificed love, over and over again, on the raging pyres of an endless (and futile) pursuit of some \u201cultimate success\u201d that nonetheless refuses to reveal itself. No matter how bright the burn of my sacrificial fires, that final success I\u2019ve hunted has only ever persisted to lurk stubborn in the dark shadows just beyond light\u2019s edge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know now it wasn\u2019t some ultimate external success I was seeking, but rather the enduring and unassailable peace-of-mind I hoped it would bring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since diving deep into men\u2019s (inner growth) work a decade ago, and through coaching hundreds of other men along the way, I\u2019ve discovered a profound connection between the enduring absence of a man\u2019s peace-of-mind and the enduring absence of praise from a father \u2013 or any male-elder\u2019s praise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n
<\/div>\n\n\n\n

A Boy Without A Man\u2019s Presence<\/strong><\/h3><\/div>\n\n\n\n

My dad mostly stopped paying attention to me when I was four years old.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not because he was somehow a bad father. That was simply my age when he and my mom ended their turbulent marriage, and he moved out, and mostly on, forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though he stayed in touch and I saw him occasionally throughout my youth, the immense void of his daily presence brought with it an immense absence of masculine-energy guidance and praise from an elder man \u2013 the very thing a boy requires to become a man, himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA man who \u2018cannot get it together\u2019 is a man who has probably not had the opportunity to undergo ritual initiation into the deep structures of manhood. He remains a boy \u2013 not because he wants to, but because no one has shown him the way to transform his boy energies into man energies.\u201d <\/p>Moore & Gillette
<\/strong>King Warrior Lover Magician<\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Like so many grown men who remain psychologically adolescent well into adulthood, throughout my 20s, 30s, even into my 40s, I ached deeply for a wise elder man\u2019s guidance, for his blessing and benediction into my own manhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I just never knew it. I wouldn\u2019t have admitted it, anyway, so angry was I at being left alone (by men) to find my own way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For when a boy grows up without the consistent presence of an elder male father-like figure, he grows up believing he\u2019s on his own (a physically present but emotionally distant or abusive man is not \u201cpresent\u201d for the boy).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A wise elder woman (e.g. mom), no matter how loving, can\u2019t show a boy the way into becoming a mature man. She can surely teach him many essential things \u2013 like how a woman expects to be treated by a man \u2013 but she can\u2019t model manhood for him, not in the body, where he most needs to learn about \u201cbeing man.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I was 10, two curious events happened that clearly reveal the affect of his absence on me, emotionally, physically, mentally, and the life-long consequences that followed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first event happened at a soccer game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I played in hundreds of organized sports league games throughout my youth, my dad only came to two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Both were disasters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In soccer, I\u2019d been a star forward, one of the highest scorers in the league.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until the day my dad showed up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On that day, acutely aware my absent father was watching me from the sidelines, I suddenly felt as though my body had been unplugged from some cosmic electrical socket, as all the energy had been drained from my 10-year-old body.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During a climactic moment on the field, with the ball at my feet, the goal suddenly opened up before me. Instead of striking a decisive rocket-shot into the back of the net, my limp little legs could barely muster a weak toe-tap to the ball, which sent it rolling gently, timidly, along the ground towards the goalie, who scooped it up easily, like he was simply picking up his pet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d never felt so viscerally incapacitated, physically incapable of \u201csuccess.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The second disaster happened at a baseball game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was the starting pitcher that day. Dad showed up and volunteered to be homeplate umpire, as dads may do at their kids\u2019 games.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I took the mound and looked towards home plate, where I saw my absent father\u2019s eyes staring directly back at me from behind the shadowy black grill of the umpire\u2019s mask.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This time he was no mere spectator. He was specifically charged with judging my every toss of the ball in his direction. Did I throw a good pitch (success) or a bad one (failure)? My dad alone would decide, and the game (and my fragile masculine-worthiness) would hang in his balance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Again I felt paralyzed, the electrical umbilical cord supplying energy to my boy-body ripped from its source. Instead of fastballs straight over the plate, my listless pitching arm could only offer soft, high arcing lobs that soared high over the heads of both batter and father-judge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few pitches in, dad stopped the game, flipped up his mask of menace and asked for help from both coaches. He didn\u2019t know how to call my softball pitches in this baseball game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t recall whether my dad reassured and praised me at either game. He may have. What I do recall, viscerally, was my shame at failing to perform. I also recall an overwhelming sadness at knowing he wouldn\u2019t likely attend any more games.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t openly express my emotions on either day. I didn\u2019t know how. Yet my impotent performance revealed it all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s just \u2026 no one was present enough to notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since then there was never a convincing voice in my head reassuring me I\u2019m a successful man, a worthy man. Women would often reassure me I\u2019m a \u201cgood man,\u201d yet that was never suitable substitute for the blessing of a wise, trustable elder man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A boy can only receive meaningful affirmation of his manhood from the men already wholly living inside their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thus was my journey, like so many men, that in the absence of an elder man\u2019s wisdom and guidance I too often felt rudderless, powerless, lost adrift in the vast oceans of my life, unable to feel deeply successful for more than rare fleeting moments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without a better model of manhood, I naturally defaulted to popular culture\u2019s half-baked ideals: A \u201creal man\u201d is a money-maker who dominates on the field, in the bedroom and the boardroom, whose only permissible emotion is anger, which he uses to get his way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I didn\u2019t trust these shallow ideals. Few men genuinely do. Most of us see them as faint shadows, at best, of far more profound and expansive truths about our nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So while I looked outwardly successful \u2013 money, woman, impact \u2013 I felt utterly unworthy of it all, endlessly hungry, always craving for more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without a wise elder man (that I trusted) regularly reassuring me that I\u2019m inherently successful \u2013 good enough, loved, worthy as I am, regardless the size of my bank account or number of notches on my bedpost or whether I win or lose \u2013 I only knew to keep seeking fulfillment by exploiting the world around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which is the best way to never finding fulfilment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For when one can\u2019t feel successful within their own being, no external accomplishment would ever satisfy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When one can\u2019t generate true generosity within their own thoughts, they\u2019ll always see strings attached to the generosity of others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When one can\u2019t connect to the profound love in their own heart, they won\u2019t trust the love of anyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n
\n\n\n\n
\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Bryan Withrow Reeves <\/strong>– A former US Air Force Captain, Bryan is now an internationally renowned Author and Life\/Relationship Coach with a current focus on supporting men to have better lives and relationships. He\u2019s the co-founder of “Elevate Your Relationship,\u201d<\/strong> a live coaching program for men ready to elevate their relationship game, which has served men in over 10 countries. He’s the host of the podcast, \u201cMen, This Way,\u201d<\/strong> and his viral blog has been read by over 30 million people in every country on the planet (except North Korea). His newest book, Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)<\/strong><\/em>, is available on Audible, Amazon and other retailers. Link: https:\/\/bryanreeves.com<\/a> <\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bryan ReevesSpecial Guest Contributor Throughout my life I have been plagued by the enduring fear that I\u2019m never quite successful enough, whatever my actual successes. Which has been at times a kind of torture for every woman I ever tried to love. 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Mentoring men to live with excellence - Men's Teams"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/"}},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/#\/schema\/person\/c4c526dcf5afec353c5d87667345fb88","name":"Guest Writer","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-CA","@id":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/ce2afca1a9600091c243a0cc80dfc983?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/ce2afca1a9600091c243a0cc80dfc983?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Guest Writer"},"url":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/author\/guestwriter\/"}]}},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/fatherspraise.jpg",1080,550,false],"thumbnail":["https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/fatherspraise-150x150.jpg",150,150,true],"medium":["https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/fatherspraise-300x153.jpg",300,153,true],"medium_large":["https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/fatherspraise-768x391.jpg",768,391,true],"large":["https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/fatherspraise-1024x521.jpg",1024,521,true],"1536x1536":["https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/fatherspraise.jpg",1080,550,false],"2048x2048":["https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/07\/fatherspraise.jpg",1080,550,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Guest Writer","author_link":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/author\/guestwriter\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Bryan ReevesSpecial Guest Contributor Throughout my life I have been plagued by the enduring fear that I\u2019m never quite successful enough, whatever my actual successes. Which has been at times a kind of torture for every woman I ever tried to love. For I have tragically sacrificed love, over and over again, on the raging…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27398","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=27398"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27398\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":29142,"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/27398\/revisions\/29142"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/27631"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=27398"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=27398"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.mentordiscoverinspire.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=27398"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}